To whom it may concern at Camp Crystal Lake,

I am writing to you with a matter of great importance. I have decided to remove my child from his enrollment this summer at your facility. While I appreciate the efforts made by your staff, I think it is for the best.

Looking back now, I can see that there were red flags even before we arrived for dropoff at the start of the summer. Locals at the diner where we stopped for lunch kept derisively calling your establishment “Camp Blood.” Then an alarming gentleman (I think his name was Ralph?) got right in my face and told me that the camp has — and these were his exact words — “a death curse.”

I admit that I should have done my research before I made my deposit. In retrospect, your “slashed summer prices” were too good to be true for a sleepaway camp experience. It is my mistake not to have done more Googling before I signed the paperwork. I regret that decision. Certainly, if I had seen some of the user reviews of your camp on Yelp I would have thought twice.

Nonetheless if a camp is under a death curse, I feel it is that camp’s obligation to make mention of it in their brochure. I do not know if leaving this detail out rises to the level of false advertising, at least as defined by a court of law, but I think we can both agree it’s at best lying by omission.

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Based on the information I have now received from the Better Business Bureau, I know that you know that you have a problem with some of your counselors falling asleep — or rather going to bed — on the job. Honestly, I could live with that. I’m no prude. Lord knows I had my own share of summer passions once upon a time. And I can look the other way about the fact that the counselors have no uniforms. But they should at least have the decency to wear shirts and shorts at all times while performing their responsibilities. (Also, I heard rumors of a “Strip Monopoly” game? Really?)

Still, I am astonished at the degree to which the counselors themselves are unsupervised, when they are the ones who should be supervising the children. Where are the managers? Who is the owner? Also, why are there so many hockey masks lying around a summer camp? The bows and arrows I understand; archery is a cornerstone of summer camp activities. But hockey masks? You can’t play hockey in August. (On a somewhat unrelated subject: From what I gather the cook still hasn’t shown up for the summer? Was no one else on staff alarmed about this?)

I should mention: I am not a conspiracy theorist. I don’t believe everything I have read about Crystal Lake. A woman murdering camp counselors to get revenge on another group of counselors had failed to save her drowning son? That seems mildly plausible. But then five years later the son is now not dead and he’s the one killing camp counselors to get revenge on the prior group of counselors who had killed her mother? What?

If the kid didn’t drown in the first place, where did he go for 30 years? Why didn’t he just get out of the lake and tell his mother “Hey Mom! I’m ok! Yeah, I didn’t drown! Put down the scythe! Also, where did you find a scythe? This is a camp, not a corn field.”? I mean, come on. I wasn’t born yesterday.

You keep hearing these stories, though. Admittedly, there are not a lot of verified eyewitness accounts. But I just did a tally in my head, and I think I have read about 12 different incidents since 1980 that could be described as murder sprees? One of which stretched all the way into Manhattan? That does, in fact, sound like a camp under a death curse. At a certain point, shouldn’t someone on staff look into real estate prices for comparable property at other Upstate New York lakes? When is enough enough?

For all of these reasons, this letter serves as my written notice that I am terminating my contract with you and removing my child from camp on Thursday the 12th of September. Unfortunately, I am away on a business trip right now, but thankfully, on my way home from dropoff at the start of summer, I encountered a very sweet woman who lived near the camp and we’ve stayed in touch, so I am sending her to pick up my child tomorrow morning. Her name is Pamela Voorhees. Please ensure that the camp’s counselors treat her with their best hospitality. Thank you very much.